Left Behind

As I write this entry, Fred is in Madison, Wisconsin.  Jedidiah and Anna are in Toronto, Canada.  Josiah is in Champaign, Illinois.  One daughter is in Ames, Iowa.  Micah is at ballet, and I am sitting in my car at the Marion Library, my home away from home.

I'm missing my family, and realizing that the season of life I have been dreading since the day I brought my firstborn home from the hospital, has finally arrived.  I probably should have developed some hobbies before now to make the transition a little less painful, however I am thankful for every second I've had with my family.  It's just hard to figure out what I'm supposed to do now. 


Left Behind

Each time I'm forced to say "good-bye"
My heart breaks a little more.
Another of my dreams will die
When you walk out that door.

If only wishes made it so,
You'd be right here with me.
But there are places you must go
That I will never see.

Life passes in a hurry.
Mine is more than half-way done.
These lines are getting blurry.
Being left behind is not much fun.

November 5, 2012
Marion Library

My Treasure

This was written on 9-24-12 at Dancer's Edge in Hiawatha, IA, after visiting one of my high school classmates last weekend.  I came away feeling like a failure until I remembered that I need to store up treasures in heaven.   

My Treasure

As you're looking down on me

From that high and lofty tower,

With your fame and hard-earned fortune 

And all your worldly power;

Don't pity me or be distressed

For what I might have been,

Or for the path I've chosen

To travel way back then.

I'm saddened that you'll never know

Priceless moments that you've missed...

First steps, first words, sweet baby smiles,

Hurts someone else has kissed.

Your house is filled with portraits,

Winning trophies everywhere.

Successes etched in marble,

But you were never there.

I don't need to carry photos - 

Memories play a special part.

This family is my treasure

Engraved forever on my heart.

Who Am I?

I wrote this in my car at the Marion Public Library on September 11, 2012, at 7 pm.

Since I spend A LOT of time waiting for Micah at her various extra-curricular activities, I've decided to use some of that time to attempt understanding this season of my life.  I'm struggling to re-invent who I am, or possibly re-discover who I used to be.

Learning to let go of my children has been a painful process, somewhat similar to the stages of dying:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I seem to go back and forth between anger and depression most of the time.   However, my goal is to come to the point where I am able to accept that God is in control, and that He can work out this change for good also.  He is really the one who has taken care of my kids all these years anyway, not me.  I think He can handle it from here much better than I can. He doesn't ever grow weary.



Who Am I?


Fading fast -
Not going to last.

Needing hope -
Can't seem to cope.

Losing touch -
I miss so much.

Reaching out
So full of doubt.

Feeling pain -
There's so much strain.

I want to dance -
Give life a chance.

I want to sing -
Praise to the King.

I want to see -
Your will for me.

I want to try -
Before I die.

The time is now -
I don't know how.

I need strength and dignity -
To just be me...

Going Nowhere, Fast!

It's been a long time, but I guess I'll try my hand at putting my thoughts into words again.  Please bear with me...

I wrote this poem at Tucker Park in Hiawatha on August 15, 2012, at 8:00 pm.



Going Nowhere, Fast!

Caught in a fast revolving door,
Spinning round and round.
Don't think I can take much more -
Not knowing where I'm bound.

Yesterday things seemed so clear,
I thought I had a plan.
I need to stop and let You steer -
Not knowing if I can.

I'm too busy going nowhere,
With schedules to arrange.
Too tired to even really care -
Not knowing how to change.

I used to have so many goals
To do before I die.
But things keep falling through the holes -
Not knowing why I try.

The door is spinning faster still,
I need to be set free.
Turning round, I've had my fill -
Not knowing when You'll see.

I'm desperate, Lord, and so off-track.
Help me not to stray.
I'm searching for the best way back -
Yet knowing You're the way!